Want to be a Republican? All you need is a lobotomy, a cross, and the ability to replace all instinctive traits of common sense with the following platform:
- Using stem cells for medial research is wrong, because you don’t believe in destroying life, even if it lives in a petri dish. But it’s OK to destroy larger forms of life in unnecessary wars and prison execution chambers.
- The best way to improve military morale is to praise the troops in speeches while slashing veterans’ benefits and combat pay and making wounded soldiers pay for their own meals while recuperating.
- Government should relax regulation of Big Business and Big Money but crack down on individuals who use marijuana to relieve the pain of illness.
- A woman can’t be trusted with decisions about her own body, but multinational corporations can make decisions affecting all mankind without regulation.
- If condoms are kept out of schools, adolescents won’t have sex.
- HMOs, insurance companies, drug manufacturers and power plants all have the interest of the public at heart.
- Providing health care to all Iraqis is sound policy. Providing health care to all Americans is socialism.
- Global warming and tobacco’s link to cancer are junk science, but creationism should be taught in public schools.
- Saddam was a good guy when Reagan armed him, a bad guy when Bush’s daddy made war on him, a good guy when Cheney did business with him and a bad guy when Bush needed a “we can’t find Bin Laden” diversion.
- A president lying about an extramarital affair is an impeachable offense. A president lying to start a war is solid defense policy.
- Government should limit itself to the powers named in the Constitution, which include banning gay marriages, banning teaching of evolution, compelling public prayer and censoring the Internet.
- The public has a right to know about Hillary Clinton’s cattle trades and private health care meetings, but George Bush’s driving record and Dick Cheney’s private energy task force meetings are none of our business.
- It’s justifiable to seal your records if you’re a Republican governor of Texas, but not if you’re a Democratic governor of Vermont.
- You support states’ rights, except when a state decides to recount votes in a disputed Presidential election. Then, it’s better for a Republican Supreme Court to decide the election.
- Being a drug addict is a moral failing and a crime, unless you’re a conservative radio host. Then it’s an illness and you need our prayers for your recovery.
- The United States should get out of the United Nations, and our highest national priority is enforcing U.N. resolutions against Iraq.
- Jesus loves you, and shares your hatred of homosexuals and liberals.
